Act 5, Scene II

Scene: The Roman Camp.

Enter PETILLIUS.

Petillius.
What do I ail, i' th' name of Heaven? I did but see her,
And see her die; she stinks by this time strongly,
Abominably stinks. She was a woman,
A thing I never cared for; but to die so,
So confidently, bravely, strongly—Oh, the devil,
I have the bots!—By Heaven, she scorned us strangely,
All we could do, or durst do; threatened us
With such a noble anger, and so govern'd
With such a fiery spirit—The plain bots!
A pox upon the bots, the love-bots! Hang me.
Hang me even out o' th' way, directly hang me!
Oh, penny pipers, and most painful penners
Of bountiful new ballads, what a subject,
What a sweet subject for your silver sounds,
Is crept upon ye!

Enter JUNIUS.

Junius.
Here he is; have at him!
[Sings.
She set the sword unto her breast,
  Great pity it was to see,
That three drops of her life-warm blood,
  Run trickling down her knee.

Art thou there, bonny boy? And i'faith how dost thou?
Petillius.
Well, gramercy; how dost thou?—He has found me,
Scented me out; the shame the devil owed me,
He has kept his day with.—And what news, Junius?
  Junius.
It was an old tale ten thousand times told,
Of a young lady was turn'd into mould,
Her life was lovely, her death it was bold.
Petillius.
A cruel rogue! now he has drawn pursuit on me,
He hunts me like a devil.—No more singing!
Thou hast got a cold: Come, let's go drink some sack, boy.
Junius.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Petillius.
Why dost thou laugh?
What mare's nest hast thou found?
Junius.
Ha, ha, ha!
I cannot laugh alone:—Decius! Demetrius!
Curius!—oh, my sides! ha, ha, ha, ha!
The strangest jest!
Petillius.
Pr'ythee no more.
Junius.
The admirablest fooling!
Petillius.
Thou art the prettiest fellow!
Junius.
Sirs!
Petillius.
Why, Junius,
Pr'ythee, away, sweet Junius?
Junius.
Let me sing then.
Petillius.
Whoa, here's a stir, now! Sing a song of sixpence!
By Heaven, if—pr'ythee—pox on't, Junius!
Junius.
I must either sing or laugh.
Petillius.
And what's your reason?
Junius.
What's that to you?
Petillius.
And I must whistle
Junius.
Do so.
Oh, I hear'em coming.
Petillius.
I have a little business.
Junius.
Thou shalt not go, believe it: What! a gentleman
Of thy sweet conversation?
Petillius.
Captain Junius,
Sweet captain, let me go with all celerity!
Things are not always one; and do not question,
Nor jeer, nor gibe: None of your doleful ditties,
Nor your sweet conversation; you will find then
I may be angered.
Junius.
By no means, Petillius;
Ancrer a man that never knew passion?
'Tis most impossible: A noble captain,
A wise and generous gentleman?
Petillius.
Tom Puppy,
Leave this way to abuse me! I have found you,
But, for your mother's sake, I will forgive you.
Your subtile understanding may discover
As you think, some trim toy to make you merry,
Some straw to tickle you: but do not trust to't;
You are a young man, and may do well; be sober,
Carry yourself discreetly.

Enter DECIUS, DEMETRIUS and CURIUS.

Junius.
Yes, forsooth.
Demetrius.
How does the brave Petillius?
Junius.
Monstrous merry.
We two were talking what a kind of thing
I was when I was in love; what a strange monster
For little boys and girls to wonder at;
How like a fool I looked!
Decius.
So they do all,
Like great dull slavering fools.
Junius.
Petillius saw too.
Petillius.
No more of this; 'tis scurvy; peace!
Junius.
How nastily,
Indeed how beastly, all I did became me!
How I forgot to brow my nose! There he stands,
An honest and a wise man; if himself
(I dare avouch it boldly, for I know it)
Should find himself in love——
Petillius.
I am angry.
Junius.
Surely his wise self would hang his beastly self;
His understanding self so mawl his ass self——
Decius.
He's bound to do it; for he knows the follies,
The poverties, and baseness, that belongs to't
He has read upon the reformations long.
Petillius.
He has so.
Junius.
'Tis true, and he must do't: Nor is it fit indeed
Any such coward——
Petillius.
You'll leave prating?
Junius.
Should dare come near the regiments, especially
Those curious puppies (for believe there are such)
That only love behaviours: Those are dog-whelps,
Dwindle away because a woman dies well;
Commit with passions only; fornicate
With the free spirit merely. You, Petillius,
For you have long observed the world——
Petillius.
Dost thou hear?
I'll beat thee damnably within these three hours!
Go pray; mav be I'll kill thee. Farewell, jackdaws!
[Exit Petillius.
Decius.
What a strange thing he's grown!
Junius.
I am glad he is so;
And stranger he shall be before I leave him.
Curius.
Is't possible her mere death——
Junius.
I observed him,
And found him taken, infinitely taken,
With her bravery; I have followed him,
And seen him kiss his sword since, court his scabbard,
Call dying dainty dear, her brave mind mistress;
Casting a thousand ways to give those forms,
That he might lie with 'em, and get old armours.
He had got me o' the hip once; it shall go hard, friends.
But he shall find his own coin.

Enter MACER.

Decius.
How now, Macer?
Is Judas yet come in?

Enter JUDAS.

Macer.
Yes, and has lost
Most of his men too. Here he is.
Curius.
What news?
Judas.
I have lodged him; rouse him, he that dares!
Demetrius.
Where, Judas?
Judas.
On a steep rock i' th' woods, the boy too with him;
And there he swears he'll keep his Christmas, gentlemen,
But he will come away with full conditions,
Bravely, and like a Briton. He paid part of us;
Yet I think we fought bravely: For mine own part,
I was four several times at half-sword with him,
Twice stood his partizan; but the plain truth is,
He's a mere devil, and no man. I' th' end, he swinged us,
And swinged us soundly too: He fights by witchcraft;
Yet for all that I saw him lodged.
Junius.
Take more men,
And scout him round. Macer, march you along.
What victuals has he?
Judas.
Not a piece of biscuit,
Not so much as will stop a tooth, nor water
More than they make themselves: They lie
Just like a brace of bear-whelps, close, and crafty,
Sucking their fingers for their food.
Decius.
Cut off then
All hope of that way; take sufficient forces.
Junius.
But use no foul play, on your lives! that man
That does him mischief by deceit, I'll kill him.
Macer.
He shall have fair play; he deserves it.
Judas.
Hark ye!
What should I do there then? You are brave captains,
Most valiant men: Go up yourselves; use virtue;
See what will come on't; pray the Gentleman
To come down, and be taken. Ye all know him,
I think ye have felt him too: There ye shall find him,
His sword by his side, plums of a pound weight by him,
Will make your chops ache: You'll find it a more labour
To win him living, than climbing of a crow's nest.
Decius.
Away, and compass him; we shall come up,
I am sure, within these two hours. Watch him close.
Macer.
He shall flee through the air, if he escape us.
Junius.
What's this loud lamentation?
[A sad noise within.
Macer.
The dead body
Of the areat Penius is new come to th' camp, sir.
Demetrius.
Dead?
Macer.
By, himself, they say.
Junius.
I fear'd that fortune.
Curius.
Peace guide him up to Heaven!
Junius.
Away, good Macer.
[Exeunt Macer and Judas.

Enter SUETONIUS, DRUSIUS, REGULUS, and PETILLIUS.

Suetonius.
If thou be'st guilty,
Some sullen plague, thou hat'st most light upon thee!
The regiment return on Junius;
He well deserves it.
Petillius.
So!
Suetonius.
Draw out three companies,
(Yours, Decius, Junius, and thou, Petillius),
And make up instantly to Caratach;
He's in the wood before ye: We shall follow,
After due ceremony done to th' dead,
The noble dead. Come, let's go burn the bodn,
[Exeunt all but Petillius.
Petillius.
The regiment given from me? disgraced openly?
In love too with a trifle to abuse me?
A merry world, a fine world! served seven years
To be an ass o' both sides? sweet Petillius,
You have brought your hogs to a fine market! You are wise, sir,
Your honourable brain-pan full of crotchets,
An understanding gentleman; your projects
Cast with assurance ever! Wouldst not thou now
Be bang'd about the pate, Petillius?
Answer to that, sweet soldier! surely, surely,
I think you would; pull'd by the nose, kick'd? Hang thee,
Thou art the arrant'st rascal! Trust thy wisdom
With anything of weight? the wind with feathers!
Out, you blind puppy! you command? you govem?
Dig for a groat a-day, or serve a swine herd,
Too noble for thy nature too!—I must up;
But what I shall do there, let time discover.
[Exit.